In this time on August 24, it will forever be etched into my heart as "Another Year". For on this date was the day that a piece of my heart broke and will never be able to be fixed back into place. Just yesterday I was swarmed with the final memories of seeing my daddy alive. The way that he called me that day a year ago and told me he was on his way down. I honestly can't remember the reason that he gave me but when he got here it was clear to me that he wanted to see and to spoil the new kitties that we had just adopted. We went to PetSmart after the kids I was watching were picked up and spent at least the next hour together trying to decide which Kitty Tree would be perfect for them. He insisted on the biggest one they had and also to throw a purple feathered catnip toy in with it (to persuade the kitties into ECU). Afterwards we went to get some food to eat at Captain Ratty's downtown, it took me about 6 months to find myself going back to that restaurant afterwards because all I saw when I walked in was his face. Before he left it was a long battle trying to decide where to put the kitty tree at so that it wouldn't require any furniture to be moved in the process (it's pretty big!) I remember standing on the porch waving to him as he left, having him kiss my forehead and give me a big hug, telling him to have fun on his trip and that I would see him when he got back, it was after all just about Pirate Football season.
I wish now that I would have hugged him a little bit longer, that I would have told him to stay the night in hopes to be able to spend a little more time with him. I wish I would have stayed on the porch a little bit longer to see him drive his car up the road.
I didn't expect it to be the last time that I would ever see him alive again.
The morning the call came in, I remember exactly what I wore to bed, I remember that I had taken some Advil PM because I hadn't been able to sleep, I remember my phone ringing and me looking up to see who it was calling me. At about 4:00 in the morning, the last person I expected to see on my caller id was my cousin. I knew that something was wrong.I remember hearing her voice and feeling out of my own body when the words "Melissa I'm so sorry" and "your dad's gone" came through the phone. I remember saying No and Not my Daddy, and I remember screaming so loud to the point that Cammie knew that something wasn't right and started barking. I was the one who had to call my sister and tell her, and through the sobs and hysterical crying the words came out...Daddy's gone...
It's funny how your mind tries to wrap itself around things, when I was told that my sister was in a horrible car accident the first thing i said was "are you joking?", between the phone calls of telling people what had happened and trying to decide what our next move was, I was humming in my head "Shake it Off" by Taylor Swift. I don't know if it was my way of comforting myself or trying hard enough to not fall on the floor into the fetal position knowing that a piece of my world was gone forever. I always thought of myself a routine and scheduled person, or OCD if you prefer, but in that moment as I was throwing stuff in a suitcase, I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to pack and I didn't know how I was going to go on.
In 4 days it will be a year, it will be my whole new year. I've been through my "year of firsts" without my daddy, and it's been the hardest year in my entire life. People kept telling me that it would get "easier" that "time heals wounds", "he is still with you"....but what happens when the rest of the world goes on when yours stops?
I have been through a lot this year, and I know that it will continue, it will still be hard and some days it's completely ok to stay in your pjs on the couch and watch sappy movies or shows that make you cry.
I've also grown a lot more in this past year. I've learned that we are never promised tomorrow, that the ones that we love or care deeply for can be taken away from us without a moment's notice. There is no reason to not forgive someone, more than likely the reason that you are mad at them is for a stupid reason that in the next 5 years you won't remember. If people want to be in your life, let them. If you have to work for it and they don't, then move on.
For my 30th Birthday, I had told Daddy that I didn't want a big party, I wanted a small dinner with family and friends, I wanted to eat caviar and drink Cristal while smoking a Cuban Cigar. When he asked why, I said "Why Not?" I had never experienced any of these things before and with a milestone of turning 30, why not do things I never have before?
With that being said I wanted to create a "Bucket List" of sorts, but instead of things I want to do before I die...I wanted to make a list of things to do before I turn 30......
30 BEFORE 30 (in no particular order)
1. Go Skydiving (because you're only as scared of heights as you think!)2. Fish in the Ocean
3. Ride a motorcycle
4. Get High (sorry mom)
5. Go out on a boat in the ocean (sea sickness sold separately!)
6. Have someone cook for me (besides family or a restaurant)
7. Smoke a Cigar
8. Eat Caviar
9. Land a dream job
10. Go somewhere overseas
11. Watch the sun rise at the beach and set from the top of a mountain
12. Go gigging for flounder (successfully)
13. Learn something new
14. Learn how to shoot a gun
15. Go enjoy a concert (last one I went to was about the boy group era)
16. Travel somewhere on my own
17. Ride in a hot air balloon
18. Build something from scratch (not food related)
19. Plant a garden (that won't die)
20. Ride a jet ski
21. Go star gazing in the bed of a truck
22. Go to a drive in movie
23. Learn to ballroom dance
24. Watch sea turtles be released back into the ocean
25. Learn how to paddleboard
26. Snowboard
27. Go Muddin
28. Walk through DC during the Cherry Blossom blooming
29. Run in a 10K
30. Drink a Glass of Cristal
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